Ar Tonelico II: Melody of Metafalica Review

  I missed the memo we are having a contest to see who can release the last PS2 game I guess. Nis (Nippon Ichi Software) tries to win the race with Ar Tonelico, while Atlus will be releasing Shin Megami Tensei: Devil Summoner: Raidou Kazahou vs. King Abadon in MAY. Freakin’ May. I mean, isn’t this getting a wee bit intense?

   Anywho, SMT: Persona 4 will easily remain the undisputed swan song for probably the greatest console of all time, however, Ar Tonelico does a damn fine job of trying to upset that. 

    This is a sequel, but no knowledge of the previous game is required to enjoy this iteration. The story here is top notch, with many different tangents to go off on. For instance, there comes a point ten hours in where you can decide to defend the current regime during war or join the rebels. Yes, you really get to make that dramatic of a choice. The battle system here also pulls out all the stunts like your drunk uncle at a Christmas party trying to impress your teenage girlfriend. The battles are based on- oh you don’t give a rip. Lemme break it down- 2 knights in front on offense, 2 hot chicks in the back spellcastin’.  Sounds rudimentary (it is turn-based like a Final Fantasy), BUT during the enemy’s offense, you get to actively defend in a very intense sequence. It may sound lame, but it is a HUGE advancement in the field of RPGs. 

     And then there’s the story. The game basically gives you a main quest, bujt you can do so much else; everything from crafting your own weapons, starting fan clubs for the wizards in your group, go dungeon crawling, and even choose who  to date and develop relationships with. It truly overdoes the customization and expansion part.

     But, hey, there are flaws. The biggest? The sexual references. I am not kidding when I say it is like this game is a fat person who has just ate a friggin’ bucket of beans and is farting out sexual innuendo. I cannot even get you to fathom a miniscule amount of how cheesey this is. There is also very little voiceover work. The graphics also look like every game designer who made RPGs on the PS1 got together and made a fan sequel. (The eyes of Croix…..literally look like a) A giant ceespool or b) A black hole.) Also, I have caught wind by other reviews of a bug that will wipe your entire save literally about an hour before the game’s close. 

     I doubt many people will take this game seriously, which is a shame. It will most likely live in SMT: P4’s shadow forever. And to be honest, SMT: RKVKA will probably be on par with this come May. At least in terms of gameplay, but there is something about this game that sticks with you. Highly recommended at the budget price of $40. Also, EVERY package of this game comes with an art booklet and full soundtrack CD.

Verdict: 9/10     Editor’s Choice

Street Fighter IV Review

    Sure, most people haven’t played this game in about 15 years as the last, oh, I don’t know, 70 iterations involved 7 year olds beating your ass after nailing 20 button long combos. But, that doesn’t detract from the fact that the original Street Fighters essentially pioneered the modern fighting genre. And let’s get something straight from the get-go: this game doesn’t reinvent anything. It just does everything freakin’ amazing.

    For one, the graphics don’t suck. ( Anyone remember the last Street Fighter?) Secondly, the game isn’t a piece of shit. I mean literally, that pretty much covers the entire game. If you ever said to yourself  ”Golly Gee, I want to play a fighting game!”, this is for you. I have no doubt in my mind that this game is rivaled only by Soul Calibur IV as the best fighting game of the last few years. At least, of the last few years. I would be right behing anyone In arguing that Soul Calibur II or SF: Alpha: A Warrior’s Dream, SNK vs. Capcom 2003, or Marvel Vs. Capcom were all better overall games. Why? Because they were geared towards console gamers while retaining that arcade spirit. For instance, my friend Jan, whose sole criteria for games is flashy graphics and gas masks would be much, much more inclined to pick a game he can have a blast with online, and is easy to play.

     That’s where SF IV falls flat on its oversized arse. How? Hm…..Oh yeah, the final boss is IMPOSSIBLE. No overstatement. I believe I personally am a very accomplished player in terms of SF and I had to turn the difficulty down AND  switch it to a single thirty second round and even then, I couldn’t K.O., I would have higher health and win by default. Also, the online mode, at least from the time I’ve put into it, suffers from MAJOR lag. Like, if a baseball player on steroids, lag steroids, and a the world’s biggest turtle had  a kid that was an online mode in a fighting game, dis would be it folks. I mean, brohan, this game is like a sculpture of your Grandma made of molasses in freakin’ quicksand. Oh yeah, and to pour really good quality Kosher salt into the wounds, you pratically need a good arcade stick (like a $130 Hori) to play this.

    This game isn’t gonna change people’s pea brained Halo minds about fighting games. Mainly, because this game feels like one step forwards, one 3/4 a step back.

    Verdict: 8.1/10 Cautious Editor’s Choice

Tales of Vesperia Review

  A dog smoking a pipe. A boat attached to a dragon’s fat ass. Hot girls. Kickass theme song (hm hm hm, hmmm, hmm-hm-h-hm-hm!). Literally, a dog smoking a pipe. If thatt flys in this game, just imagine what other crazy shit you can do. Yeah, now you see what I am getting at.

   Seriously though, “Tales of” is one of the biggest smaller Role Playing Game Franchises in Japan. (Japan’s favorite genre is RPG.) Anyways, Tales has always been a phenommenal series, but this tops even “Tales of Symphonia” (widely regarded as one of the best RPGs, if not games ever made.) If you own a 360, get your pipe, hair dye, and matter changing swords, this is one of the best games ever made, No shitting. (I come to the conclusion it is one of the best games ever made because of the fact that it is better than Symphonia, one of the best games ever made.)

 

                                                                       VERDICT:

                                                                    10/10   EDITOR’S CHOICE

Initial D Extreme Stage Review (IMPORT)

  Well, the holy grail of drift racing games returns to shit on the competition and proceed to wipe the floor with it. But you ask: does it actually live up to it? Yes and no. 

  There are the typical Japanese mass-marketing cliches: thumping J-Pop/Techno soundtrack, anime, and adults that look a hell of a lot like children. The anime cutscenes are great, and provide yet another instance for me to point out that I wish I knew Japanese in lieu of Spanish. But heys, I can at least address you as my friend in Japanese. 

   I bet half of you are thinking it is guranteed hard-core language and you won’t be able to understand. I bought the ASIA version meaning: no rating and ENGLISH manual.

   How is the actual game? Kick-ass. The speed is awesome, the music is great (if you approach it with an open mind) and the commentary in Japanese by the story characters during races adds to the tension. The graphics are no Gran Turismo, but they are more geared towards GT5 than most racing games. The headlights at night, the grael, racing through rural Japanese prefectures, it all comes together.

   At the end of the day, you are left with what is most likely the winner of best import and racing game of the year. However, “Aquanaut’s Holiday” or “Afrika/Hakuna Matata” may still beat this.

 

                                                                                VERDICT:

                                                                                    8.6/10 EDITOR’S CHOICE

Patapon Review

   This game is different. You basically act like a demented madman pounding your thumbs into the PSP in absurd movements as if you are a mentally challenged maestro. But, it is basically Command and Conquer mixed with Loco Roco (yeah, I know, those two go together like puke and blankets from your childhood). This game is fun as your control giant eyeballs stabbing shit to the beat. But then the more I think of it, the more I am distrubed as it is kind of creepy to stab something to a beat. But, whatever. Go Sony Computer Entertainment Internal Development Japan Studio! Hu-hah!

                                                                          VERDICT:

                                                                        8.468099/10  EDITOR’S CHOICE

Mega Man Maverick Hunter X

   You walk around with a freaking cannon on your arm. Your best friend has a lightsaber AND a cannon. And you can light people on fire with your hand. I honestly cannot think of what I would rather do on a Friday morning while drinking my tea in bed and watching Miley Cyrus on the today show. Shit, I shouldn’t have said that. Honest, I didn’t know she was on, I, I, just,- I WAS ONLY WATCHING THE FIRST FIVE! THE GAME’S HARD AND I CAN’T DRINK MY TEA WHILE PLAYING! LAY OFF DAMNIT!

                                                                 VERDICT:

                                                                    9/10  EDITOR’S CHOICE

Trauma Center Under the Knife 2 Review

  This is what you call an amazing game. I think we Northern Americans have been eating a can of whoop-ass that was made in Japana all year now. First they do Persona 3 FES, then MGS4, and now TC: UTK2. Shit, we American developers are screwed. (Especially when you consider the fact that our only possible salvation at this point is Gears of War II or Call of Duty 5. And here is the problem: Treyarch, the dipshits who brought you “Spiderman: The Movie: The Game” (real title I believe?) are developing COD5, and Epic, developers of Gears is claiming to have developed the most amazing game ever by taking N64 gameplay and using hi-def graphics and 3RD person camera angles.)

   Anyways, most of you have probably never heard of this game, just like none of you ever heard of Guitar Hero, which I was ranting and raving about, and then they made a commericial and you asked me if I heard about it. Anywho, this is a true arthouse or independent game. The store I went to got ten copies and that will probably be it forever. And it was a popular store. Anyways. The game is amazing. It is very challenging and the game’s art channels anime and manga and as a self-proclaimed anime otaku I can say it comes pretty damn close to an anime feature film or miniseries. The story is a blast, and the game is LONG. This is over 10 hours and it is on the DS. That is huge. This is the first time in my life (other then Ghost Babel) where I have actually been amazed by a portable title. Buy this.

                                      VERDICT:

                                         10/10    EDITOR’S CHOICE