Ar Tonelico II: Melody of Metafalica Review

  I missed the memo we are having a contest to see who can release the last PS2 game I guess. Nis (Nippon Ichi Software) tries to win the race with Ar Tonelico, while Atlus will be releasing Shin Megami Tensei: Devil Summoner: Raidou Kazahou vs. King Abadon in MAY. Freakin’ May. I mean, isn’t this getting a wee bit intense?

   Anywho, SMT: Persona 4 will easily remain the undisputed swan song for probably the greatest console of all time, however, Ar Tonelico does a damn fine job of trying to upset that. 

    This is a sequel, but no knowledge of the previous game is required to enjoy this iteration. The story here is top notch, with many different tangents to go off on. For instance, there comes a point ten hours in where you can decide to defend the current regime during war or join the rebels. Yes, you really get to make that dramatic of a choice. The battle system here also pulls out all the stunts like your drunk uncle at a Christmas party trying to impress your teenage girlfriend. The battles are based on- oh you don’t give a rip. Lemme break it down- 2 knights in front on offense, 2 hot chicks in the back spellcastin’.  Sounds rudimentary (it is turn-based like a Final Fantasy), BUT during the enemy’s offense, you get to actively defend in a very intense sequence. It may sound lame, but it is a HUGE advancement in the field of RPGs. 

     And then there’s the story. The game basically gives you a main quest, bujt you can do so much else; everything from crafting your own weapons, starting fan clubs for the wizards in your group, go dungeon crawling, and even choose who  to date and develop relationships with. It truly overdoes the customization and expansion part.

     But, hey, there are flaws. The biggest? The sexual references. I am not kidding when I say it is like this game is a fat person who has just ate a friggin’ bucket of beans and is farting out sexual innuendo. I cannot even get you to fathom a miniscule amount of how cheesey this is. There is also very little voiceover work. The graphics also look like every game designer who made RPGs on the PS1 got together and made a fan sequel. (The eyes of Croix…..literally look like a) A giant ceespool or b) A black hole.) Also, I have caught wind by other reviews of a bug that will wipe your entire save literally about an hour before the game’s close. 

     I doubt many people will take this game seriously, which is a shame. It will most likely live in SMT: P4’s shadow forever. And to be honest, SMT: RKVKA will probably be on par with this come May. At least in terms of gameplay, but there is something about this game that sticks with you. Highly recommended at the budget price of $40. Also, EVERY package of this game comes with an art booklet and full soundtrack CD.

Verdict: 9/10     Editor’s Choice

Tales of Vesperia Review

  A dog smoking a pipe. A boat attached to a dragon’s fat ass. Hot girls. Kickass theme song (hm hm hm, hmmm, hmm-hm-h-hm-hm!). Literally, a dog smoking a pipe. If thatt flys in this game, just imagine what other crazy shit you can do. Yeah, now you see what I am getting at.

   Seriously though, “Tales of” is one of the biggest smaller Role Playing Game Franchises in Japan. (Japan’s favorite genre is RPG.) Anyways, Tales has always been a phenommenal series, but this tops even “Tales of Symphonia” (widely regarded as one of the best RPGs, if not games ever made.) If you own a 360, get your pipe, hair dye, and matter changing swords, this is one of the best games ever made, No shitting. (I come to the conclusion it is one of the best games ever made because of the fact that it is better than Symphonia, one of the best games ever made.)

 

                                                                       VERDICT:

                                                                    10/10   EDITOR’S CHOICE

Disgaea 3: Absence of Justice Review

  Exploding penguins. A school where it is cool to never show up. In fact that is how you become an honor student. Advance from Level 1 to Level 10,000. Children with guns. People killing each other over deleted save data. Weirdest story ever? Check. Best Strategy Role Playing Game ever made? Check. Buy this now. It plays like a dream. If you own a PS3 and have ever played a game like “The Witcher”, “Final Fantasy”, or anything with a good story, this is a must.

 

                                                                         VERDICT:

                                                                               9.85/10  EDITOR’S CHOICE

Initial D Extreme Stage Review (IMPORT)

  Well, the holy grail of drift racing games returns to shit on the competition and proceed to wipe the floor with it. But you ask: does it actually live up to it? Yes and no. 

  There are the typical Japanese mass-marketing cliches: thumping J-Pop/Techno soundtrack, anime, and adults that look a hell of a lot like children. The anime cutscenes are great, and provide yet another instance for me to point out that I wish I knew Japanese in lieu of Spanish. But heys, I can at least address you as my friend in Japanese. 

   I bet half of you are thinking it is guranteed hard-core language and you won’t be able to understand. I bought the ASIA version meaning: no rating and ENGLISH manual.

   How is the actual game? Kick-ass. The speed is awesome, the music is great (if you approach it with an open mind) and the commentary in Japanese by the story characters during races adds to the tension. The graphics are no Gran Turismo, but they are more geared towards GT5 than most racing games. The headlights at night, the grael, racing through rural Japanese prefectures, it all comes together.

   At the end of the day, you are left with what is most likely the winner of best import and racing game of the year. However, “Aquanaut’s Holiday” or “Afrika/Hakuna Matata” may still beat this.

 

                                                                                VERDICT:

                                                                                    8.6/10 EDITOR’S CHOICE

Patapon Review

   This game is different. You basically act like a demented madman pounding your thumbs into the PSP in absurd movements as if you are a mentally challenged maestro. But, it is basically Command and Conquer mixed with Loco Roco (yeah, I know, those two go together like puke and blankets from your childhood). This game is fun as your control giant eyeballs stabbing shit to the beat. But then the more I think of it, the more I am distrubed as it is kind of creepy to stab something to a beat. But, whatever. Go Sony Computer Entertainment Internal Development Japan Studio! Hu-hah!

                                                                          VERDICT:

                                                                        8.468099/10  EDITOR’S CHOICE

iPhone 3G Review

   I think I have reviewed hardware before? Or not? Anyways, this phone is amazing, i.e. I can update this blog with my new personal best friend.

   The phone checks e-mail, and well, it does some amazing things. Lemme break it down for you

      -Lightsaber Application (swing your phone and accelerometer picks up movements and makes noise)

     -Stapler Application (Staple thin air. As amazing as it sounds.)

      -Cowbell Application (hit your screen to play the ultimate insturment)

      -THE ENTIRE BIBLE ON YOUR PHONE! SEE, GOD DID GIFT US THIS PHONE!!!

 

                                                                       VERDICT:

                                                                          9.9/10

                                                                                          EDITOR’S CHOICE

P.S.-It doesn’t get a perfect because of SMALL MINOR MINSCULE MICRO glitches.

The Dark Knight or Amazing Kickass Movie Review

  Wow. Just wow. This is amazing. Heath Ledger creeps you out, Christopher Nolan directs beautifully, and you get to watch a super hero movie that was made by actual comic book geeks like us. How gratifying. This is the best comic book movie ever. Go see it now.

                                                                               VERDICT:

                                                                                  10/10 EDITOR’S CHOICE

Trauma Center Under the Knife 2 Review

  This is what you call an amazing game. I think we Northern Americans have been eating a can of whoop-ass that was made in Japana all year now. First they do Persona 3 FES, then MGS4, and now TC: UTK2. Shit, we American developers are screwed. (Especially when you consider the fact that our only possible salvation at this point is Gears of War II or Call of Duty 5. And here is the problem: Treyarch, the dipshits who brought you “Spiderman: The Movie: The Game” (real title I believe?) are developing COD5, and Epic, developers of Gears is claiming to have developed the most amazing game ever by taking N64 gameplay and using hi-def graphics and 3RD person camera angles.)

   Anyways, most of you have probably never heard of this game, just like none of you ever heard of Guitar Hero, which I was ranting and raving about, and then they made a commericial and you asked me if I heard about it. Anywho, this is a true arthouse or independent game. The store I went to got ten copies and that will probably be it forever. And it was a popular store. Anyways. The game is amazing. It is very challenging and the game’s art channels anime and manga and as a self-proclaimed anime otaku I can say it comes pretty damn close to an anime feature film or miniseries. The story is a blast, and the game is LONG. This is over 10 hours and it is on the DS. That is huge. This is the first time in my life (other then Ghost Babel) where I have actually been amazed by a portable title. Buy this.

                                      VERDICT:

                                         10/10    EDITOR’S CHOICE