Ar Tonelico II: Melody of Metafalica Review

  I missed the memo we are having a contest to see who can release the last PS2 game I guess. Nis (Nippon Ichi Software) tries to win the race with Ar Tonelico, while Atlus will be releasing Shin Megami Tensei: Devil Summoner: Raidou Kazahou vs. King Abadon in MAY. Freakin’ May. I mean, isn’t this getting a wee bit intense?

   Anywho, SMT: Persona 4 will easily remain the undisputed swan song for probably the greatest console of all time, however, Ar Tonelico does a damn fine job of trying to upset that. 

    This is a sequel, but no knowledge of the previous game is required to enjoy this iteration. The story here is top notch, with many different tangents to go off on. For instance, there comes a point ten hours in where you can decide to defend the current regime during war or join the rebels. Yes, you really get to make that dramatic of a choice. The battle system here also pulls out all the stunts like your drunk uncle at a Christmas party trying to impress your teenage girlfriend. The battles are based on- oh you don’t give a rip. Lemme break it down- 2 knights in front on offense, 2 hot chicks in the back spellcastin’.  Sounds rudimentary (it is turn-based like a Final Fantasy), BUT during the enemy’s offense, you get to actively defend in a very intense sequence. It may sound lame, but it is a HUGE advancement in the field of RPGs. 

     And then there’s the story. The game basically gives you a main quest, bujt you can do so much else; everything from crafting your own weapons, starting fan clubs for the wizards in your group, go dungeon crawling, and even choose who  to date and develop relationships with. It truly overdoes the customization and expansion part.

     But, hey, there are flaws. The biggest? The sexual references. I am not kidding when I say it is like this game is a fat person who has just ate a friggin’ bucket of beans and is farting out sexual innuendo. I cannot even get you to fathom a miniscule amount of how cheesey this is. There is also very little voiceover work. The graphics also look like every game designer who made RPGs on the PS1 got together and made a fan sequel. (The eyes of Croix…..literally look like a) A giant ceespool or b) A black hole.) Also, I have caught wind by other reviews of a bug that will wipe your entire save literally about an hour before the game’s close. 

     I doubt many people will take this game seriously, which is a shame. It will most likely live in SMT: P4’s shadow forever. And to be honest, SMT: RKVKA will probably be on par with this come May. At least in terms of gameplay, but there is something about this game that sticks with you. Highly recommended at the budget price of $40. Also, EVERY package of this game comes with an art booklet and full soundtrack CD.

Verdict: 9/10     Editor’s Choice

Onechanbara: Bikini Zombie Slayers

   I could pretend to be a super sophiscated jerk and rip this game endlessly, but I won’t. Why? Because, really, if you think a cheesy, B-Grade Horror Movie story, with customizable characters, downloadable content, pretty good cutscenes, and oodles of gore sounds like a helluva good time, you WILL enjoy this game. I certainly did. If the aforementioned stuff sounds cool to you, check this out, and it is budget priced @ $40.Also, you have split screen co-op, about 60 different quests, a lengthy storyline, and the game shakes it up by having sword wielders and gun-slingers. I mean, this is a type of game that will achieve cult status. It isn’t trying to be artistic, it is just trying to be fun. 

Verdict: 8/10

Street Fighter IV Review

    Sure, most people haven’t played this game in about 15 years as the last, oh, I don’t know, 70 iterations involved 7 year olds beating your ass after nailing 20 button long combos. But, that doesn’t detract from the fact that the original Street Fighters essentially pioneered the modern fighting genre. And let’s get something straight from the get-go: this game doesn’t reinvent anything. It just does everything freakin’ amazing.

    For one, the graphics don’t suck. ( Anyone remember the last Street Fighter?) Secondly, the game isn’t a piece of shit. I mean literally, that pretty much covers the entire game. If you ever said to yourself  ”Golly Gee, I want to play a fighting game!”, this is for you. I have no doubt in my mind that this game is rivaled only by Soul Calibur IV as the best fighting game of the last few years. At least, of the last few years. I would be right behing anyone In arguing that Soul Calibur II or SF: Alpha: A Warrior’s Dream, SNK vs. Capcom 2003, or Marvel Vs. Capcom were all better overall games. Why? Because they were geared towards console gamers while retaining that arcade spirit. For instance, my friend Jan, whose sole criteria for games is flashy graphics and gas masks would be much, much more inclined to pick a game he can have a blast with online, and is easy to play.

     That’s where SF IV falls flat on its oversized arse. How? Hm…..Oh yeah, the final boss is IMPOSSIBLE. No overstatement. I believe I personally am a very accomplished player in terms of SF and I had to turn the difficulty down AND  switch it to a single thirty second round and even then, I couldn’t K.O., I would have higher health and win by default. Also, the online mode, at least from the time I’ve put into it, suffers from MAJOR lag. Like, if a baseball player on steroids, lag steroids, and a the world’s biggest turtle had  a kid that was an online mode in a fighting game, dis would be it folks. I mean, brohan, this game is like a sculpture of your Grandma made of molasses in freakin’ quicksand. Oh yeah, and to pour really good quality Kosher salt into the wounds, you pratically need a good arcade stick (like a $130 Hori) to play this.

    This game isn’t gonna change people’s pea brained Halo minds about fighting games. Mainly, because this game feels like one step forwards, one 3/4 a step back.

    Verdict: 8.1/10 Cautious Editor’s Choice

Viva Pinata: Trouble in Paradise

   Normally, I would rant about how you are all dick-faces for mocking me for picking up this game, but instead, I want to vent. REALLY want to vent.

   When you take a game, and put in things a user could have created as add-ons for the original, I am going to be very pissed. “HEY, ZOMG, LIKE LOOKS GUYZEZ I LIK GOTS A GAMEZ WIT NEWERZ MAPZ AND PINATAZ!” Screw you Microsoft. It wasn’t worth the $40 budget price. It should have been a piece of $5 downloadable content and a patch. 

 

                                                                       VERDICT:

                                                                        6.9/10

 

 

P.S.

The game is actually somewhat okay.

Tales of Vesperia Review

  A dog smoking a pipe. A boat attached to a dragon’s fat ass. Hot girls. Kickass theme song (hm hm hm, hmmm, hmm-hm-h-hm-hm!). Literally, a dog smoking a pipe. If thatt flys in this game, just imagine what other crazy shit you can do. Yeah, now you see what I am getting at.

   Seriously though, “Tales of” is one of the biggest smaller Role Playing Game Franchises in Japan. (Japan’s favorite genre is RPG.) Anyways, Tales has always been a phenommenal series, but this tops even “Tales of Symphonia” (widely regarded as one of the best RPGs, if not games ever made.) If you own a 360, get your pipe, hair dye, and matter changing swords, this is one of the best games ever made, No shitting. (I come to the conclusion it is one of the best games ever made because of the fact that it is better than Symphonia, one of the best games ever made.)

 

                                                                       VERDICT:

                                                                    10/10   EDITOR’S CHOICE

Disgaea 3: Absence of Justice Review

  Exploding penguins. A school where it is cool to never show up. In fact that is how you become an honor student. Advance from Level 1 to Level 10,000. Children with guns. People killing each other over deleted save data. Weirdest story ever? Check. Best Strategy Role Playing Game ever made? Check. Buy this now. It plays like a dream. If you own a PS3 and have ever played a game like “The Witcher”, “Final Fantasy”, or anything with a good story, this is a must.

 

                                                                         VERDICT:

                                                                               9.85/10  EDITOR’S CHOICE

Initial D Extreme Stage Review (IMPORT)

  Well, the holy grail of drift racing games returns to shit on the competition and proceed to wipe the floor with it. But you ask: does it actually live up to it? Yes and no. 

  There are the typical Japanese mass-marketing cliches: thumping J-Pop/Techno soundtrack, anime, and adults that look a hell of a lot like children. The anime cutscenes are great, and provide yet another instance for me to point out that I wish I knew Japanese in lieu of Spanish. But heys, I can at least address you as my friend in Japanese. 

   I bet half of you are thinking it is guranteed hard-core language and you won’t be able to understand. I bought the ASIA version meaning: no rating and ENGLISH manual.

   How is the actual game? Kick-ass. The speed is awesome, the music is great (if you approach it with an open mind) and the commentary in Japanese by the story characters during races adds to the tension. The graphics are no Gran Turismo, but they are more geared towards GT5 than most racing games. The headlights at night, the grael, racing through rural Japanese prefectures, it all comes together.

   At the end of the day, you are left with what is most likely the winner of best import and racing game of the year. However, “Aquanaut’s Holiday” or “Afrika/Hakuna Matata” may still beat this.

 

                                                                                VERDICT:

                                                                                    8.6/10 EDITOR’S CHOICE

Patapon Review

   This game is different. You basically act like a demented madman pounding your thumbs into the PSP in absurd movements as if you are a mentally challenged maestro. But, it is basically Command and Conquer mixed with Loco Roco (yeah, I know, those two go together like puke and blankets from your childhood). This game is fun as your control giant eyeballs stabbing shit to the beat. But then the more I think of it, the more I am distrubed as it is kind of creepy to stab something to a beat. But, whatever. Go Sony Computer Entertainment Internal Development Japan Studio! Hu-hah!

                                                                          VERDICT:

                                                                        8.468099/10  EDITOR’S CHOICE

Soul Calibur IV Review

  You know, I am REALLY damn glad I was not in the midnight line for this. Mainly because as a Dreamcast owner and lover of the original Soul Caliburs, I was HUGELY dissapointed in this game. Lemme explain.

   When you have an effing next gen game, you can fit the modes from previous iterations of your franchise on the disc. There is no damn excuse for having one multiplayer versus mode. That is called being lazy. I mean, really, you couldn’t transfer some material over from a last gen game to a next gen game? Get a grip Namco-Bandai.

    The bitching continues with reason 2. How about maybe making customization fun? It was fun in SC II to make your person look cool and be armored well. In this game, if you want to be armored like a tank, you can damn well bet you will look like a freakin’ tank. Not cool. Oh, and once you unlock the Sould Edge weapon, you don’t even use other weapons due to the fact they all pale in comparsion. Oh, and there is no weapon custimization. I mean really? Even Dirge of Cerebus: Final Fantasy VII on the PS2 had that. And that wasn’t a very good game. 

    Paragraph of whining part 3 will now focus on the story mode. Hm….I  kind of remember liking the story mode on SC II on Gamecube. Oh, I get it! I am supposed to expect 4+ years later the story mode to be worse than it was before! I joke, I joke. But really, the story mode sucks. The backdrop (which is unexplainable, but Namco tried to explain it previosuly in each other game) is not even attempted to be explained in this version. Oh yeah, and the story mode is SHORTER than the arcade mode. 

    And my final bone to rip from the body of Soul Calibur, the bonus characters. Who the **** decided to put Star Wars characters in a 16th century fighting game? Because they should lose their job, pronto. I mean, the characters ruin the authentic mystical magicy feel the game has. And then there is the Apprentice, thrown in to promote the new Star Wars game as it will most likely suck and Lucasarts needs all the PR they can get. He RUINS the arcade mode. I am definetely a seasoned Soul veteran and with my best characters equipped with the Soul Edge weapon and really good armor, I can’t even come close to winning.

   This really could have been the best fighting game ever, topping the original. But due to a few major screw ups, it isn’t. Listen, I am not saying don’t play this game. Wait for it to be $20, and then play it. Or rent it, or mosy on over to my house as I sit in self-loathing that I bought this. This is a huge letdown when compared to the 2nd and original. 

                                                                        VERDICT:

                                                                               7.4/10

Vimeo No Longer Likes “Importing Games With Dylan”

   It has come to my attention recently that the bastards at Vimeo will no longer support game videos. Meaning, anyone who posts a video of themselves play a game will have it unpleasently taken down. So, I now begin the process of finding a new video-site-thing.